The Reason
by MzHissyFits
Summary: Draco isn't sure he can take much more of being evil, and he proves himself right. Under psychoanalysis, what will he learn about himself? T for language, full summary in bio.
1. Misery

Introduction

All right, here I am, trying to prove my case, so please, just hear me out. There is a method behind the madness. The Draco and Ginny pairing was appealing to me because to me, Draco is a lot like a Snape person. Keep reading! The problem with Snape was that he never felt like rising above all the anger and resentment he felt.He never had a reason to do so. He had this screwed up family who didn't give a care about him. He was unpopular with friends who didn't give a care about him. And because he was so messed up, he didn't have a girlfriend. So, he stayed bitter turned evil, and then became the bad sort of good. I want things to be different with Draco. I want him to be redeemed, so sue me. Is it wrong that I want him to change before he gets too screwed up? They say that kids learn by example, so I think it's about time that he had someone other than Lucius Malfoy to look up to. Why Ginny? Because it kind of works. You never actually see Draco target Ginny in particular. He just makes fun of the family to get to Ron and Harry. There was one part in Chamber of Secrets where he says "I don't think he liked your Valentine much" to her, but really, that isn't enough evidence to pass any judgment. He could've have said that to her to get to Harry and make him feel bad out of spite, or he could be a little jealous of the attention. So maybe he did do it to hurt her feelings, but why? And why in that particular way? That's food for thought. Now that you know that, I can give you one more detail. A lot of this fan fiction is based on, not only the Harry Potter books, but a song. The Reason by Hoobastank. If you listen to the lyrics, and read the story, you'll know why. (That's how old I've been sitting on this little fanfic)

Okay then, I'll start the story.

**Chapter One  
Misery**

Draco sat in the pub slowly drinking his glass of sherry. His grip on the glass tightened when he thought of what his day had become. He angrily drained his glass when he thought of what his life had come to. He came very bloody close to hurling his glass at the wall when he thought of his father.

The man who shaped my life, he thought bitterly. As if this is what I wanted, as if I ever had a chance to figure out what I wanted.

It was thanks to his father that he was caught up in this whole forsaken Death Eater business. The Dark Lord might be the biggest bully on the playground, but that didn't make Draco any happier about having to take orders from someone. What's worse was that _Lucius_ was his superior. Orders went from the Dark Lord, to Lucius, to Draco. He scowled. All his life . . . all his bloody life, all he ever tried to do was prove to his father . . . prove ANYTHING, something to the senior Mr. Malfoy. After twenty-three years, he was almost fed up.

Draco thought about his day again. He had been sent to murder a family, his father watching over what he did. One split second of hesitation earned him an hour's worth of Cruciatus Curse torture. This time, Draco did hurl his glass against the wall of the pub. The bartender looked at him with fearful eyes. Draco left enough money on the counter to pay for the glass and his drink, grabbed his coat and stormed out of the building.

Draco Dissaparated to his flat. As he changed, he thought of how inferior he felt when he was a Death Eater. He was talked down to as if he were a dog. A dog that was being house broken. Maybe even a house elf. He threw himself down on the bed thinking of how he might feel when the war finally ended.

There were two possibilities. On one hand, if Harry Potter and Dumbledore won the war, everyone he rubbed shoulders with was basically condemned to Azkaban. Maybe not an Azkaban presided over by Dementors, but prison nonetheless. The world would be ordered. But there would still be Mudbloods, Muggles, and Blood Traitors roaming about. Then again, that would make Draco's father furious. Option number two, the Dark Lord kills Harry Potter and defeats Dumbledore. For one thing, Draco wouldn't go to prison. Chaos, destruction, murder, fear, panic, and no more muggles. The Dark Lord and his Death Eaters would rule the whole of the wizarding world. But in this world, a world where the Dark Lord ruled, Draco would still never be free. He would be bound to serve one wizard for the rest of his days. That was still prison.

Let's face it, he thought to himself, I'm in a lose-lose situation, and there's no way out. If I could find a way out . . .

But that wasn't right, and he knew it. There was a way out – quit being a Death Eater. Point blank. But there was too much at stake in that plan. It might bally well work, but there wasn't a legitimate reason for Draco to take that risk. He was uncomfortable and unhappy for sure, but he'd be even more so if he quit.

"Bollocks, I'm fucked!" Draco said quietly to the night. His eyes slowly blinked shut and he drifted off to a dreamless sleep.


	2. Anger Management

Chapter Two – Anger Management

Draco led two different lives. By day, he was a member of the Law Enforcement Department in the Ministry of Magic. By night, a ruthless Death Eater. As an important and influential judge in the department, Draco could manipulate cases brought against his fellow You-Know-Who followers so that they either got off, or got minimal punishment. His position was useful to the Dark Lord. Although Lucius Malfoy's reputation was obliterated eight years ago, _Draco_ Malfoy was still a useful tool.

Draco always found it easy to be angered by this representation of him. But Harry Potter, the newly made Auror, always maintained that he "couldn't trust Malfoy any better than Malfoy could fly a broomstick." And he made it well known among other ministry officials. So basically, the whole of the ministry was split into people on his side, and people on Potter's. All of the wizarding community was in love with Harry Potter anyway, but Malfoy's money was able to get some people to see things his way, fortunately for Draco.

When Draco was first assigned to work at the ministry, he was shocked. Outraged even. But the Death Eaters had needed someone in the ministry. A fly on the wall watching their operations and making sure that people the Dark Lord needed didn't get too much prison time – and all without getting caught. Draco hadn't liked the idea of having to work alongside people who worshipped Potter and thought Dumbledore's word was gospel, but he did as he was told.

They had first contacted him when his father made his first escape from Azkaban in the middle of his sixth year at Hogwarts. They had Draco go to Snape to change his courses, but seeing as how this operation was extremely risky and they couldn't afford it to go wrong and they were expecting a long, drawn-out, full-scale war on their hands, the Death Eaters (the two involved, and of course Voldemort) didn't inform Snape of this plan. None of Draco's peskier peers, like Potter, the Weasleys, and the Mudblood, could really interfere because they were all too busy either becoming Aurors, professional Quidditch players, or studying to be the next great Magical Creature activist.

Draco claimed that he had disowned his father because after all, his father did land himself in prison. That didn't require much acting. He also claimed that he wanted to straighten out the misguided of the wizard community. People who thought the genocide of muggles was acceptable. Which was why he finally got into Law Enforcement. Where he successfully was able to spring his father undetectably from prison (after he had been thrown in for the second time). A legal technicality in his arrest allowed the man to walk free, and Draco had been the only one to see it. Draco had to admit that he was really good at this.

At first, it had taken Draco all of his self-control to maintain this cover. Outwardly showing disdain for his fellow Death Eaters. But then he got used to it. There were times, late at night maybe, or just moments of inattentiveness where he thought for just one moment he might have become the character he was forced to play: misguided, but bravely trying to atone for his mistakes, and the mistakes of his father.These moments of weakness were rare, and they were brief, but Draco wasn't sure that they were nothing. There were also times that he believed he could actually _do_ this. Be a player for this side of the pitch.

So, Draco enjoyed the first few months of working for the Ministry – although he didn't let his _real_ superiors know this, least of all his father, and especially not his mother (imagine the disappointment!).

But the Potter supporters at the ministry were beginning to be a problem. A right cheeky bunch they were proving to be. This proved to be even truer when Draco went to work that morning.

"Hey, Malfoy!" hissed a witch in her cubicle as he passed.

Draco slowed, but decided to ignore what came next. It was usually a threat about exposing him as a Death Eater.

"Hear your Daddy's in a lot of trouble," the witch said.

Draco had his back turned to her, but he stopped. He couldn't help it. He knew it wasn't loyalty to his father that did it, but something made him stop. Maybe it was shame, maybe it was even fear. He sure as hell didn't know.

He turned slowly. "What was that?"

She smiled and went back to her work. Draco shrugged and walked on.

He wondered whether there would be a random wand-check today. He hadn't had time the previous night to cover up his last Cruciatus Curse from his wand. If the _Priori Incantatem_ was performed, he'd be incriminated. He needed an excuse to use his wand, and soon.

At lunch, Malfoy made his way to the canteen. Somebody shouldered him in the hall.

"Watch where you're going, Abercrombie!" he yelled.

"Watch where _you're_ going, Malfoy!" the wizard yelled back, adding a few distasteful language to emphasize his point - words that would make any normal person explode with anger, but not Malfoy, who was used to being patronized and covering his emotions.

"I'd watch my mouth if I were you," Draco said coolly. "Keep in mind, you've only been working here 6 months. I'd hate to see you fired before your 7th."

Euan (A/N; yes, Euan) narrowed his eyes. "Is that a threat?"

"Well," Draco started, then paused, "Let's put it this way . . ." he whipped out his wand and pointed it at Euan.

The surrounding people stopped and were suddenly silent. Some were glaring at Malfoy, looking outraged. Others gave Euan Abercrombie exasperated looks that said, "You moron - now look what you've done."Euan looked scared.

"_Accio Apple!_" Draco said.

The apple in Euan's hand flew into the air and Draco caught it. "Thanks." He then walked away.

Draco was about to take a bite into the apple when he heard a voice that he would know anywhere.

"I don't think you're in the position to make threats, Malfoy, even ones you're too cowardly to carry out."

Draco turned around. "And you, Potter, should stay out of other people's business."

Harry gave Draco an odd smile. "I really should be savoring this moment, Malfoy. After all, this may be the last time I ever see you." He laughed, mockery apparent in every breath.

"And what makes you think you've seen the last of me?" Draco said.

"You don't know?" said Harry.

"Know what?"

Harry frowned at Draco, then shrugged. "You're father was apprehended today, and you of all people should know how desperately he was trying to stay out of the new prison." Harry had probably been hoping Draco would show his cards by looking as if he already knew that his father had been captured. If he was a Death Eater he _would_ know, right? Wrong. Voldemort reveals nothing.

Draco knew what he would have liked to reply to Potter back when they were younger – that his father could probably break out (even though Draco himself doubted it) but he remembered his cover. He sighed internally before saying, "I don't associate with my father, Potter. How many times must I say this for it to penetrate your thick skull? I'm afraid I wouldn't know whether or not that poor excuse for a wizard got himself in another predicament. Why should I care?"

Harry scoffed, not answering Draco's question. "Right. Anyway, the Minister offered him a deal. Don't ask me why he did it, I was against it from the start, but I have to admit it would have its benefits."

Draco sensed something was coming. He hoped that it wasn't what he thought it would be.

"The Minister offered his freedom if he could identify the mole within the Ministry. Knowing old Lucius as I do, he'll take that deal if the proper reward were dangled in front of him without hesitation. By this time next week, that little mole, or shall I say _ferret_ will be in prison in his place."

Draco's fists clenched and the more he fought to remain calm, the more his anger bubbled over. He knew his father wouldn't wait long to sell him out. The worst part was that Potter, as well as everyone else in the Ministry knew it as well. All they needed was one tiniest sprig of evidence and he was history. Draco knew that any moment, his father, his FATHER, could say the words that would send him to prison. Draco knew Lucius Malfoy would betray him one day, and that day, apparently was today.

The wall on Draco's right exploded propelling him, along with Potter, Abercrombie, and a few others into the cubicles on the left.

Draco had lost control.


	3. Losing It

**Chapter Three – Losing It**

"What happened?"

Draco was sitting in his ministry superior's office three hours later. He ignored her question and lifted a hand to check the gash above his eyebrow. It was healing, but more slowly than he would have liked.

Geraldine Ferding was glaring at him over her desk. She was a sturdy little middle-aged woman whose husband worked as the head of the Law Making Committee.

"Well?" she asked. "I'm waiting, Mr. Malfoy."

Draco looked up at her. Though he hated to admit it, he had a strange respect for this tiny woman. For someone so small, she commanded power enough to make all her underlings shudder if she so much as glanced with the least bit of disapproval at them. She didn't have such a power over Draco, but she did have a bit of a soft spot for him. But no special treatment in the least. She just trusted him a bit more than others at the ministry would advise. She had once told him that he reminded her of her son, who died from a spider bite when he was out on vacation in a Brazilian rain forest.

He sighed and then answered truthfully. "I just lost control." That was a bit of an understatement. Thinking about it, he didn't know what hurt more – knowing that his father probably _would_ rat him out, or knowing that he was helpless, or that he could've prevented it, or that stupid comment about ferrets.

"Let me guess," Ferding said, "Mr. Potter informed you that your father was being held in questioning?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"WHAT were you thinking?" she shouted suddenly. "You have to realize that you were never exactly trusted in the first place! Now you cause an accident that could have killed one of the most important people in this whole War on the Dark Arts, and caused enough of a distraction to allow your father to escape!"

"What?" Draco found himself on his feet, blood rushing to his face. Why was he angry? Shouldn't he be relieved?

Ferding looked a little relieved as well. "Yes, Draco, your father escaped from custody and it's _your_ fault. How could you have lost control like that?"

Draco slouched back into his chair. He knew he was acting like a sulking child, but at the moment he didn't care. He was too confused. What sort of twisted plot of fate was this all about?

"I'm getting tired of your brooding, Malfoy," Ferding said irritably.

Draco paused before answering. "The subject of my father is never a very safe subject with me."

"Is that really the case?" Ferding asked.

"Yes, all right?" Draco said, standing up and heading for the door. "Can we just drop this now? I have work to do."

"SIT!" Ferding barked.

Draco grudgingly dropped into his seat.

"In light of this situation," Ferding said, "I'm sure you understand I have no choice in this course of action."

Draco sat up and leaned forward. "Wait – you're not firing me are you?"

"No," Ferding said, looking annoyed at being interrupted. She always looked annoyed. "You aren't being terminated, but I have no choice but to refer you to the psychology department."

"What?"

"If you can't handle yourself around the subject of your father, Draco," Ferding said, her voice rising dangerously, "Then your sanity can't quite be trusted in the workplace since Sr. Mr. Malfoy will be the topic of conversation among several workers here."

"But – "

"No reasoning with this one," Ferding said, putting her signature on the paper she was writing and handing it to Draco. "I suggest you start now. The sooner you can get your feelings under control the better. You're losing it, kid, but I'm fighting for you. Just prove to me I'm not fighting for a lost cause."


End file.
